April 23, 2004

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The Hasbro Doctrine

McSweeney’s has an open letter to the neocons:

Why didn’t you tell President Bush to invade Western Australia first?

I’ve been playing Risk: The Game of Global Domination since I was eight years old and never, never have I seen someone win the game by massing their forces in the Middle East at the beginning of the game. Too many borders! Impossible to reinforce! Enemies from all directions! Australia, on the other hand, is easily conquered. Start in Western Australia, make a straight-line march through eastern Australia, then on into New Zealand and New Guinea, and finally up to Siam, sealing the entire continent and guaranteeing an extra two armies per turn for the duration of game. (Ask Secretary Rumsfeld if those would come in handy.) Once in Siam, you can leave the remainder of your provinces virtually unguarded and mass your armies of the Far East to eventually move north into Siberia, Irkutsk and Kamchatka, ultimately overtaking the entire Asian continent (seven extra armies per turn), including, finally, the Middle East.

(It’s so true!)

And John Holbo applauds Europe’s smart RISK strategy:

I think Europe definitely made the right call, turning down bin Laden’s ‘if you don’t attack me this turn, I won’t attack you this turn’ offer. Sure, with Europe controlling Europe, Europe is entitled to 5 extra armies a turn. Osama does not control a continent — won’t any time soon — so is just looking to pick up a country, probably the Middle East, thereby getting a Risk card.

(Thanks to Penny for the McSweeney’s link!)