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March 17, 2004

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It's Funny Because It's True

I think the most successful Onion articles are the ones that make you go: “Ha ha ha ha! That is hilarious! And yet… not entirely implausible…”

Well, here you go.

I mean seriously, scroll down to Matt’s DARPA item and tell me you can absolutely, positively rule out the existence of a super-warrior championship.

That’s what I thought.


“Warriors of the world, hear me,” said Rumsfeld, seated on the onyx throne overlooking the fighting arena at the island’s central volcano, surrounded by a phalanx of exotic but murderous beauties and his seven-foot-tall guard Omarra. “I declare the Eagle Fist all-styles, hand-to-hand combat world championship open once more. For the next 10 days, the world’s mightiest fighters will come together here at Fang Island to compete for a prize of $1 million and the post of Associate Secretary Of Full-Contact Defense!”

Rumsfeld then declared the tournament open by symbolically shattering a block of obsidian with his prosthetic dragon’s claw—the powerful weapon grafted onto his right wrist after 2003 champion Li severed his hand with manji butterfly swords.

Posted March 17, 2004 at 8:50 | Comments (1) | Permasnark
File under: Gleeful Miscellany


it's true, donald rumsfeld is a lethal fighting machine.

1000 Fighting Styles of Donald Rumsfeld

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