March 17, 2004

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I think the most successful Onion articles are the ones that make you go: “Ha ha ha ha! That is hilarious! And yet… not entirely implausible…”

Well, here you go.

I mean seriously, scroll down to Matt’s DARPA item and tell me you can absolutely, positively rule out the existence of a super-warrior championship.

That’s what I thought.

P.S.

“Warriors of the world, hear me,” said Rumsfeld, seated on the onyx throne overlooking the fighting arena at the island’s central volcano, surrounded by a phalanx of exotic but murderous beauties and his seven-foot-tall guard Omarra. “I declare the Eagle Fist all-styles, hand-to-hand combat world championship open once more. For the next 10 days, the world’s mightiest fighters will come together here at Fang Island to compete for a prize of $1 million and the post of Associate Secretary Of Full-Contact Defense!”

Rumsfeld then declared the tournament open by symbolically shattering a block of obsidian with his prosthetic dragon’s claw—the powerful weapon grafted onto his right wrist after 2003 champion Li severed his hand with manji butterfly swords.