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Google Blank

Google buys a defunct paper mill, which it’s turning into a data center. I can’t help but think of the missed opportunities:

  1. Google Blank: DIY Search and Document Creation.
  2. Okay, that was too cute. How about Google Paper Services for Enterprise? Google sells you its Apps suite, tech support, AND the paper you print your documents on. And everything you photocopy ends up in a Google search engine.
  3. Google File: (im)personal archive services.
  4. Google is going to print its own money.
  5. New team-building exercise: all Google employees to collaborate on a five-act play with at least 500 speaking parts.
  6. Google Airplanes.
  7. Googlegami.
  8. Google Trading Cards: collect all your top searches!
  9. Google Direct Mail: We store your documents, email, and contacts, AND will send your letters for you!
  10. So many possibilities.

February 12, 2009 / Uncategorized


1. I’m actually kinda surprised Google hasn’t bought this outfit that scans your mail for you.

2. #4 is my favorite.

1. Google in a revolutionary move, is going to transmit the information compiled in its Book Search project to a new medium called ‘paper’. Each paragraph will be accompanied by an ad for a product or service related to its content.

2. Inspired by the Svalbard Seed Bank project, Google will print the Internet for posterity. And then shove the pages in a hole in the Finnish snow.

Actually, this is part of Google’s scheme to stop climate change.

Ooh, or drive out competitors! “Let’s see publishers complain about royalties on Google Books… when WE control all the paper! Mwahahaha!”

“Forget wheat, forget pork-bellies, forget rail lines, the greatest financial shenanigans of the modern markets came with Google’s Complete Paper Corner of ought-nine. Of course, the linen market benefited the most.” Me, ten years from now, teaching a history of capitalism course at some inspired institution of higher learning.

Google trading cards sounds like a terrific idea, but then consider: does the world really need Brittany Spears cards? I think Norman Schwarzkopf on tiny cardboard was enough.

“Google’s empire, in its glory, held dominion over thirty-seven newspapers, thirteen magazines, a radio network. An empire upon an empire. The first of grocery stores, paper mills, apartment buildings, factories, forests, ocean-liners — An empire through which for fifty years flowed, in an unending stream, the wealth of the earth’s third richest gold search-advertising mine…”

(with apologies to Citizen Kane)

Excuse me Dan, but:

Did you mean: Britney Spears?

News results for brittany spears…


I guess I just failed the final exam in Culture of the Internets, which is clearly a NewLiberalArt.

Part of me wants to take pride in the failure—but that part’s an elitist jerk.

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