I promise I don’t link to McSweeneys every time it updates:

Dear Kelly,

Thank you for crying hysterically during the intervention and repeatedly shifting the attention to yourself. I’m not sure if that was intentional, but if it was, you are a true friend. A person can use a few breathers during such an intense meeting, and your sobbing jags and incomprehensible wailing really helped by raising serious questions about your own stability and obvious addiction to OxyContin