Great news, everyone! The 12th book of the incredible Left Behind series is almost out, and this time, Jesus returns! Rock on! Unbelievers may well be discomfited by these books, but that’s only because they don’t recognize the glory and truth of Our Risen Lord and Savior in passages like the following:

“Tens of thousands of foot soldiers dropped their weapons, grabbed their heads or their chests, fell to their knees, and writhed as they were invisibly sliced asunder,” the authors write. “Their innards and entrails gushed to the desert floor, and as those around them turned to run, they too were slain, their blood pooling and rising in the unforgiving brightness of God.”

Ahem. As a good gay backslid Catholic boy, I just have to take a moment in the wake of this book and The Passion and Jack Kelley and that whole Spanish Inquisition thing to point out that not all Christians are obsessed with lacerated flesh, gushing innards, and/or severed heads and raining limbs. Please don’t judge us.